


rita and the boy problems (in which the boys are the problems)

by tranquilatlast



Series: you stole my heart no refunds [2]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Candy, Crushes, Family Fluff, Friendship, Gossip, Mutual Pining, Other, Requited Love, Rita-centric, Roleplay, slumber parties, this is just rita making friends and being good, you read that right
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-18 07:06:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18244850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tranquilatlast/pseuds/tranquilatlast
Summary: “Boy problems, Mista Steel?” She got a muffled groan in response. That's a yes then. Rita glanced away from her screen for just a moment, debating whether this particular case was worth stopping the stream. “What happened now?”“He wore that one corset today,” Juno said morosely, voice projecting away from her. Rita paused her stream. “The maroon one.” Ah.“The one that makes you think about how far you can reach your hands ‘round his waist?” Juno gave another groan, this time in agreement. Rita sighed and ate a small salmon-flavored chip.





	rita and the boy problems (in which the boys are the problems)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome this is a fic in which Rita watches one of her best friends pine over a guy and she and Jet try to get him to shoot his shot. very very short roleplay lol read to find out i guess
> 
> also, there's a reference to a mission the crew had in the past including one Antonio Fernandez. this is based off my other juno steel fic which is the previous work in this series and i personally recommend you check it out! however it isn't relevant here so skip it if you want and i won't be offended!
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

Rita was busy watching a stream, her hand fully immersed in a bowl of salmon chips, when her bedroom door opened and the lights of the ship's hallway poured into the room. She barely glanced over as her former boss trudged in without so much as a greeting, the bulky door closing behind him just as he fell face-first onto her thin bed. It squeaked in protest behind her, but it wasn't loud enough for any concern. She took a moment to swallow the food in her mouth before greeting him.

“Boy problems, Mista Steel?” She got a muffled groan in response. That's a yes then. Rita glanced away from her screen for just a moment, debating whether this particular case was worth stopping the stream. The screen was the main source of light in the room, but it wasn't too dark in there. “What happened now?” It took a moment, but Juno sighed into her sheets and she heard some fabric rustling like he was shifting around to get more comfortable.

“He wore that one corset today,” Juno said morosely, voice projecting away from her. Rita paused her stream and turned in her small swivel chair to see her friend laying on his stomach with his head turned to talk to the wall. “The maroon one.” Ah.

“The one that makes you think about how far you can reach your hands ‘round his waist?” Juno gave another groan, this time in agreement. Rita sighed and ate a small salmon-flavored chip. “Mista Steel, you gotta tell him you still like him.”

“No. Why would I do that when I've got you to talk to about it?”

“Because I'm just your vent bucket! Sure, you should never ever stop tellin’ me all about your love life, but I can't actually do anythin’ about it.”

“Yeah, that's the best part.”

“Then at least let him know you think he looks nice!” Really, this guy was useless when it came to his feelings about a person. She didn't ever really hear him give out compliments, but that just meant it would mean a whole lot if he complimented Mista Blade. “It ain't polite to—”

“It's not polite to stare, I know.” Rita rolled her eyes and rolled her eyes. She did feel endearment for her friend's awkward head-over-heels self, but she’d been trying to get him to progress for a while now.

“I was _goin’_ to say it ain't polite to _not_ look at someone the way you do, boss! Whenever he's in the room, you never look at him unless he talks to you or he joins the conversation! You get all shifty-eyed and quiet and don't think I don't notice you wipin’ your palms on your coat.”

“I agree,” Jet said before taking a bite of a candy bar. Juno jumped and sat up in a split second, bouncing on the mattress at the quick movement. If he kept that up, her bedframe would probably snap in half.

“What the—Why are you here? When did you get here?” he asked incredulously, looking like he'd just seen a ghost. With how sneaky Jet was, that was understandable. He was practically a really big shadow since he wasn't right in front of the screen. Rita reached over to the snack pile on her desk to grab a piece of licorice.

“I have been here for several hours now. Rita and I have regular streaming parties between missions.” Jet was stoic as ever, even before Juno crashed the party, but Rita knew he always had a good time binge-watching with her. He said so himself, after all.

“What? Since when?” Juno was looking back and forth at them, confused out of his wits. The lady's eyes were wide in shock and Rita was flattered he only meant for her to know he had feelings. But also, that was kind of unhealthy. She really needed him to make more friends. Good thing Mista Jet was able to come tonight!

“Ever since we've been on this ship, boss! That's what you get when you come in without knockin’, yanno. You get surprised.” The former detective made a face like an embarrassed frown and fell onto his back, spreading his arms on the bed.

“I just moped about Darius Blade in front of the second-in-command,” he mourned.

“You never mentioned Darius,” Jet replied, taking another bite of his candy. Juno groaned again.

“He woulda figured it out anyway, Mista Steel, he's just teasin’." She didn't bother mentioning the other two on the ship also figured out the pining between the two. Girl talk was very important to her. Really, the only ones who didn't know Mista Steel and Mista Blade liked each other were Mista Steel and Mista Blade. "Mista Blade's the only person I know who wears those fancy waist-cinchers, anyway. Besides maybe that Fernandez. They make awfully strange internet orders, didja know that? I looked into it just yesterday.”

“I did not need to know that. Why did you look at their online orders?” Rita hummed thoughtfully instead of answering.

“I cannot help but be curious. Do you believe Darius looked good on your last mission as well, Juno?” Jet asked.

“What? N-No, I—He wasn't—” Juno sputtered for a moment, then seemed to realize it was pointless to deny it. Everyone on the ship knew Jet wouldn't spread secrets. Rita always wondered how much wisdom the guy kept to himself. Juno lifted an arm to lay it over his eyes dramatically, like a character in those soap operas Rita used to watch. She should get back into those. “Yeah, I did, so what?”

“By the way, you never told me about what happened on that mission,” Rita said curiously. She found a really big chip in her bowl and managed to shove the entire thing in her mouth.

“Nevermind that mission, that was days ago. I'm having a crisis right _now_ ,” Juno huffed.

“You have a crisis every day, Mista Steel.”

“I know. Do me a favor and suffocate me with a pillow already, would you?”

“Mista Steel,” Rita chastised lightly. She stretched her toes down to the floor to spin her chair absentmindedly. “Do you want some snacks or somethin’? A glass of water, maybe?”

“No, I don't want snacks, Rita, I don't need them. Why would I need them? I don't want them.” Yeesh, he was always a real negative Nancy when it came to these situations. Rita glanced around a bit and grabbed a plastic tube that rattled when she shook it softly.

“You want some mini M&Ms?” A beat passed.

“Maybe,” Juno murmured into his sleeve. Rita propelled her chair over with some difficulty, as she was short enough that her tippy toes naturally swung a few inches from the metal floor, and handed him the tube of candy. Juno popped it open with his thumb and dumped a solid twenty pieces into his mouth without opening his eyes, not even complaining about the pink, salmon-flavored deliciousness Rita's hand spread onto the outside of it.

A moment of silence fell over them as Juno ate his candy. Surprisingly, Jet was the one to speak up next.

"Does the maroon corset always have this effect on you, Juno?"

"Shut up."

"It does, he's always extra stunned whenever Mista Blade wears it! That and any tie and vest combination."

" _Shut up._ "

Rita glanced at Jet and waggled her brows, trying to communicate a "watch this."

"Those sunglasses with the slick-backed hair, too, huh?" she teased, adding a sugggestive undertone to her voice just because Juno didn't want to look at her cheshire grin.

"Rita, I'm going to combust all over your sheets," he grumbled, flustered.

"Is that what they're calling it now?" Rita guffawed at Jet's joke and Juno started to shout, but choked on his spit instead. He curled up in a crunch and coughed into the sleeve of his coat. Even in the dim light, his face looked kind of flushed. It took a moment, but Rita's shocked and delighted laughter died down eventually.

"Ha, geez, Mista Steel, I'm tellin' ya. You should really do somethin' about your crush. You can't keep bargin' in and mopin' about it all the time, even if it _is_ interestin' for me to watch." She loved her friend, really, but she'd love him even more if he realized he was allowed to pursue things that made him happy. And according to all the other late night rants he went on, Mista Blade made him happy. Once he got past vaguely mourning over all the depressing parts, at least. "You two obviously got some stuff to work out, but I can smell the chemistry on ya."

"Don't ever smell me again, Rita," Juno mumbled through another mouthful of candy, having cooled down much quicker than she did. He was laying down again, this time with his legs hung over the edge of the bed so he could cross his ankles.

"I'm serious, Mista Steel! Look, okay, what's the worst that could happen if you were to ask Mista Blade on a date, huh?"

"He could pickpocket his way to my large intestine and rip it out. Probably make it so I don't even notice it's happened until after I'm in the medbay."

"I don't even know what it means that you had that answer all ready to go, but we're not unpackin' that tonight." Okay, this would be even harder than she thought. Rita focused real hard on making some kind of battle plan and her eyes eventually drifted over to Jet, who was almost done with his candy bar. His expression didn't change once, even when he made that fantastic joke. Just thinking about it made Rita snort, but she tried to stay serious. "Oh! Mista Jet could help!"

"What." Juno propped himself up on his elbows, making a face. He looked at Rita and she gave him her best grin. His expression stayed unimpressed. "No."

"Yes! It's perfect!" she squealed.

"No, it... _really_ isn't." Rita ignored her friend's protests and rolled her chair over to Jet to gesture to him.

"Mista Steel, you need to practice askin' out your crush somehow, or at least how you're gonna tell him you like him. What better way than to pretend you're actually doing it? Mista Jet can play Mista Blade, and you can play you!" This was a fantastic idea!

"This is a stupid idea," Juno deadpanned, though his brow twitched in that way it does when he's thinking real hard. He seemed to be leaning towards acceptance. "Who would you even be? Is your job just to watch me be stupid?"

"Don't be silly, Mista Steel, I do that all the time. I'll be your referee! So when the time comes for you to actually confess—don't give me that look—you'll have some idea of what you're gonna say!" It occurred to Rita that she should probably make sure their third party was okay with being included. When she looked at Jet, he was still chewing on his candy silently, wtaching them interact with emotionless eyes. So probably a yes.

"That's real encouraging, Rita, thanks." Juno was nearing cooperation now, she could see it in his brain.

"Come on, boss, just give it a shot! Mista Jet, are you ready to show off your actin' skills?" Without waiting for an answer, Rita continued. "Okay, you're playin' the role of Mista Blade. Ask Mista Steel what he wants to talk to you about!" Juno sat up suddenly, looking at the both of them incredulously.

"Wait, I didn't even agree to—" Jet cut him off without reluctance.

"Hello, Juno. What did you want to talk to me about?" His voice was stoic as ever, but Rita could tell he was super focused on his role. The guy musta taken acting classes or something, because that line was enough to make Juno flustered all over again.

"H-Hold on, woah, are you actually expecting me to—"

"Mista Steel," Rita whined, "how are you supposed to learn anythin' to win over your crush if you don't even try?" He stared at her like she had two heads, but Rita just gestured to Jet again. "Answer him! You ain't just gonna sit there like that durin' the real thing, are ya?"

Juno sounded more affronted than he did that one time Rita was laughing too hard to get him out of one of those fingertrap toys. He spluttered, his words coming out in broken nonsense. Rita just stared at him expectantly, waiting for it to pass. She jerked both her hands towards Jet again a few seconds later, encouraging Juno to speak, and this time he hesitantly complied.

"I, uh. Darius."

"Yes. I am Darius."

"Right." Juno paused and he looked to Rita, more unsure than uncomfortable. She nodded, silently telling him to go on. He looked back at Jet, who was staring at him blankly. "Darius. I... uh, I wanted to tell you about... goddammit, Rita, this isn't working."

"It is!" she whispered, already elated at the fact that Juno was at least trying to play along. "Just say what you're thinkin'! Don't be shy, it's just us!"

"That's—Okay. Goddammit. Okay." Rita brought her legs up to sit criss-cross on the chair and Juno did the same on the bed, looking like a stressed out puppy. "Um. Darius. I wanted to talk to you about my... feelings."

"Your feelings?" Jet was amazing at this.

"... Yes. And-And I know you might not feel the same way, especially after—Wait, no, wait, let me start over." Rita watched her friend as he adjusted his seating. "Darius, I'm sorry." There was a moment of silence when Juno's mouth curved into a deeper frown and his gaze drifted to the right a little, like he was thinking hard about something. His lips twitched slightly and Rita felt like maybe he was continuing that thought in his head, but he cleared his throat and looked back up before she could dwell on it. "Yes, I wanted to talk about my feelings. I have feelings for you, Darius."

"Feelings for me? What kind of feelings?" Rita was looking back and forth between them now, fully enraptured in the story unfolding. Okay, this was much more interesting than any soap opera Rita had ever seen.

"Romantic feelings. I like you." Juno paused again, but this time he didn't keep going. A few moments flew past and he grew increasingly shifty until he let out a groan and flopped back onto the bed. A few mini M&Ms bounced out of the open tube in his hand and he popped it closed before crossing his arms over his chest. "This is stupid. I'm stupid. I've never said any of that to other people. You both better forget all about this or I'll—"

“May I ask,” Jet said apathetically, detaching himself from the role, “what your previous relationship with Darius entailed to constitute an apology before a confession?”

“What did I just say? No, you may not,” Juno said sternly. Rita glanced at Jet and let Juno continue without any prompting. He didn't outright admit it, but he loved talking about Mista Blade. It was real cute. “It was barely even a relationship, don't call it that.”

“I see,” Jet nodded. "But that was not the focus of my question." He didn't ask any other questions, and neither did Rita. As suspected, Juno continued anyway, blinking his eyes open to look at the dark ceiling of the room.

“Not a relationship, there was no relationship between us to end. But he looks so _good_ now. I mean, he always looked good, but he looks like he moved on. He _has_ moved on. And I thought I did, too, but apparently I didn't because every time I see him, especially in that damn corset, I just act like—” Whoops, heading towards rambling guilt territory. Rita cut in quickly.

“Well, I think you did,” she said, effectively making Juno's mouth shut. Rita nodded enthusiastically when the lady looked at her. “You did move on, Mista Steel! Back then, you didn't even know what you wanted and you got all sad and mean and not fun, but now you're better! You know you want to apologize before you date him, so you know you did somethin' wrong. You moved on from that, and now it sounds like all you're really hopin' for is for you two to be on good terms again.” Juno was quiet for a few seconds.

"Juno. If you would like to date Darius, I am sure you will benefit greatly from learning that you are ready to ask him," Jet stated evenly. He was finished with his candy bar now.

“Huh,” Juno said intelligently. After another second he looked away and said, “We can't date. We're always on the run now.” He obviously avoided the majority of their assurance, but his arms moved back down to splay on either side of him and Rita got the feeling he took their words to heart. She decided to change the tone again to cheer him up, and a grin spread across her face.

“Maybe. But as your referee, I say you do wanna date him.”

“Stop that.”

“You wanna smooch Mista Blade!”

“No, I—Quit it, Rita.”

“You do want to smooch Darius. That much is evident,” Jet said flatly. His face was still blank, but Rita snorted at his teasing.

“So what if I do wanna ‘smooch’ him, stop badgering me about it!” Juno snapped, though he looked more flustered than irritated as he lifted his head to scowl at them. It made Rita laugh out loud, and she just barely noticed Juno's expression going a bit soft at the sound.

“Smooch whom?” Rita and Juno jumped and their heads snapped to the side. Jet was much calmer than the two of them. There in her threshold was Darius Blade himself, a polite smile radiant in the dim room and a maroon corset around his waist. The light of the hallway illuminated him from behind, giving the man a sort of angelic glow around his slender frame. “Please pardon the interruption, all.”

“Mista Blade!” Rita exclaimed, delighted. In her peripheral, she noticed Juno scrambling to sit up and somehow falling off her bed with a grunt and a curse. The faint sound of M&Ms skittering across the cold floor filled the room, but she didn't mind. “What are you doin’ here?”

“I came to talk to you, Rita.” Darius glanced around the room, from the snacks to the frozen stream to Jet crumpling his empty candy bar wrapper. Rita thought she noticed his gaze on Juno for a bit longer than the others, but she couldn't be sure when the sudden light was messing with her vision. He quickly looked at her again. “But it seems you're quite busy.”

“Well, maybe you could still join us,” she wondered, ignoring the affronted exclamation from her former boss. He was still on the floor.

“It is getting late,” Jet stated, standing up. “I think stream night should be coming to a close soon, Rita. We have many snacks to clean up and it is past Juno's bedtime.”

“Hey!”

“Is it not?”

“Ah.” Darius nodded, and for once he looked like he felt out of place. “Maybe we can speak later, then. Do you need any help cleaning up?”

“Oh, no, Mista Blade, you shouldn't. We made this mess, some more than others, we'll take care of it!” By that she meant she could cheer on Jet as he crushed all their wrappers down into her cute trash bin with those big boots of his and then have Mista Steel pick up all the candy he just dropped. “Maybe you can come over to our next stream night? We're watchin’ this one stream, _Ill Illusion,_ it's about a nurse, and she's a fairy, and one of her patients falls in love with her but turns out to be a fairy-eatin’ fairy hunter, but she doesn't know the fairy nurse is a fairy, so—”

“I was hoping to speak to you alone, actually,” Darius cut in smoothly. His smile, Rita realized, looked a bit nervous. It was a weird look on someone like Darius Blade, who always carried himself with an air of confidence and a sly expression. “What time would be most convenient for you, Rita?”

“Oh.” Alone? It must be important. Rita placed a hand on her chin as she thought to herself. She'll probably need to stack up on snacks. “Well, I think any time before our next stop is fine. If you can't find me anywhere else on the ship, just stop by here.”

“Excellent. Thank you. Well, if you truly have this cleanup under control, I think I'll retire for the night. Goodnight, Rita, Jet.” A pause. “Goodnight, Juno.”

“Goodnight, Mista Blade!” Then Darius Blade was gone as quickly as he came. The door slid shut behind him and Rita spun in her chair to look at Juno with arched eyebrows. Juno was watching the door with an expression of wonder and longing. When he caught her staring, he immediately turned away and crossed his arms again with a grumpy expression.

“Shall I do the boot crushing now?” Jet asked from the corner of the room. Rita lit up and spun so quickly her chair did a full rotation. She stretched out a bit so her short legs could roll her over to the light switch and she turned up the brightness.

“Yes! Mista Steel, you gotta watch this! All the garbage goes down to a centimeter!” Juno didn't quite matched her excitement, but he eyed her big smile and Jet's raised boot and sat back down on the bed. He kicked some pieces of candy away from his boots so he wouldn't crush them into the floor.

“Sure,” he said, “but hurry up, will you? I hear it's past my bedtime.” Jet brought his foot down to smash the trash flat into the bin and Rita grinned at the quiet, impressed hum from her friend. Franny would _love_ to hear all about this later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ("Darius, I'm sorry." Juno was sorry for a lot of things. In this case, he was sorry for that night. That night with the crisp air conditioning of the hotel room paired with the warmth of a man who trusted him enough to sleep next to him. That night with the cool air biting into his skin and the cold clothes he put back on that had long lost his body heat. That night with the lights of the lively Hyperion City, glowing and bustling all around him even as he was the only one taking the street to a more familiar place. He was sorry he was so scared of leading an unfamiliar life with a man he felt like he'd spent an eternity with.
> 
> Juno was sorry he could think of who he used to be, who he was now, who Peter Nureyev deserved, and feel so overwhelmed with all the differences between the three of them.
> 
> But he didn't have time to feel sorry. He only had this time, after wasting so much of it, in which two friends were encouraging him to make the most of his new adventure even though he'd really just started. So Juno took a breath. He cleared his throat and looked up at a patient Jet Siquliak, with Rita eagerly watching from her seat nearby.
> 
> "Yes, I wanted to talk about my feelings," he said. "I have feelings for you, Darius." And this time, he wasn't sorry to say that out loud.)
> 
> i spent a while fussing over this fic and i hope you had as much fun reading as i did writing! if you liked anything and/or have any constructive criticism for me, please feel free to comment! it'll help me a lot to get the next chapter up soon.
> 
> next up: peter nureyev and rita [redacted] have a sleepover! thanks so much for reading and bearing with this awfully long author's note!


End file.
